Deny your heart...

Will we ever be able to face each other honestly? There was a time when we could talk about anything and get through it.
I loved you unconditionally, I trusted you to keep me safe, I believed in you when your past proved otherwise, I trusted you to be true to me when everyone said you wouldn't be... I have never regretted it.
I believe we wanted to have the best of each other, that it hurt deeply when our flaws sometimes surfaced.
Have we hurt each other so badly that we are denying ourselves of true happiness, of true love?
I've realized that I haven't really let you go... I can't seem to betray my heart... Through the anger, the pain, the disappointment, the tears, the love we shared still hangs on.
I am not bold enough to approach you, but feel that we need to face each other and talk in order to move on. I don't know that we could ever be friends, but pretending to hate you is killing me.
How did we let things get so complicated between us? It was easy when we just loved each other.
I don't believe that I'll ever love another man as strongly or as passionately as I've Loved you, Shaun Cohorn.
If by chance, you ever come across this blog, I hope you read it with all the Love you have ever felt for me. It's the only way you will understand all the emotions I've expressed.
When I said "For-Always" it was because I gave you a part of my heart, that I knew I'd never get back.

Just a memory...

The end of summer is approaching. It was about this time last year that Shaun and I admitted to each other how strongly we felt. We had such big hopes of a happy life together. Now it's just a memory. One that still consumes my heart, as I quietly reflect on the Love we shared, and keep it bottled inside me.
I've had one close encounter with Shaun since my heart was ripped from my chest. I thought I'd break down and leave, instead of facing him, and finding a way to be honest about the past few months without him. My guard went up, and frustration came to the surface. I suppose I expected him to look at me with the same love that used to fill his eyes. Instead, I found myself avoiding his eyes, and to deal with the pain, I acted like I didn't care. I found Strength in anger. But it backfired on me... I cried for a week after that.
What I really wanted, was for him to take my hand and lead me away from everyone. I wanted to know that all his anger was just a facade to protect his heart. I wanted so desperately to see the love that once filled both our eyes... I wanted the opportunity to talk with him rationally, with no interruptions, to express all the things we both have surpressed over the last few months because of our pride.
I have this blog so I can express what I feel, what we had, what we both walked away from.
If I could turn back time, I don't think I would have loved you any differently. I will always Love you baby... To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson... "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us." (our past or our future, can not change the love that is in our hearts).
Please don't allow our hearts to harden....

The old you returns...

I still believe the man I thought you were, is in there somewhere. I hate to see you doing this to yourself. I can't believe how easily you have reverted to the "Selfish Jerk" everyone has always thought you were.

When we were together you started to respect yourself and had a better outlook on your life, your goals and your future.
Our relationship has been over for months now, and people still wonder what happened, they still talk to me about you. They are concerned about the person you are reverting to. I hear things like he's arrogant, he's back on drugs, he's ignoring his son, he's cheating again, he's obnoxious, he's using people, he only think about himself.... as though I could change any of that.
I loved you so deeply at one time, and if that helped you to be a better man, find that joy in yourself. I have always believed in you and maybe pushed you when you weren't ready... but I think if you would have tried harder, you would have been happier.
We hurt each other, why? I'm not sure....
You have created this fictitious image of me in your mind. Is it so you don't have to remember what we had? It tears at my heart to see you this way. The hatred you try to express toward me is unfounded, but if it's the only way for you to deal with your new life, you may want to think about where you will end up.

Shaun, we may never be friends again, but my heart will always love the man you used to be, when there was an "US".

Was it Real?

My heart won't let go.... It's been 4 months since this man ripped such a huge part of my heart from me. My mind has rationalized the situation, but something that he left behind in my heart will not let go.
Someone brings up his name, or mentions something about him, I see a picture of him... those things don't seem to bother me. Even seeing him in person, I was able to ignore him, ( with the exception of the few glances, when he wasn't looking)
Just when I think I can move on, something weird happens, and I end up hurting all over again.
When my mind can shut my feeling out, I can deal with it.
It's all the little signs... the things that seem to say, "Our love was an act of fate". The meaningful songs that seem to play when we are in each others presence, the ones that we connected with when we were together. The feeling of Deja Vu when I am revisiting a place where we may have spent time together. People that I don't even remember meeting, tell me how they were inspired by the love they saw in our eyes... How can that be?? It was so many months ago, and yet Shaun and I impacted complete strangers that way?? Even the memory of my dreams torture me after I wake. It's those things that scare me, have we messed with fate? Will I ever feel this strongly about a man again?
His actions and attitude tell me he is able to file our love and our life together away somewhere. I wonder if it ever comes to the surface, causing the same grief. I wish I could lock all those feelings and memories away that way. Maybe I could also pretend to love someone again.

No Comparison!

So I went to Expo Friday, to listen to the bands. Guess who was there... Yep... Shaun and his OLD lady. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against her age, it's just the fact that she actually does LOOK old! Her hands, her wrinkled skin, her wrinkled face... and the fact that she tries to dress young to keep Shaun, is funny as hell!
When Shaun and I tried to "work things out" shortly after our break up, and I asked him to get away from her, He himself even said, "You don't have to worry, she's a wrinkled mess, it's just a place to stay." Kenny and Susan even told me she is young looking until you see her face... WOW!!! They weren't kidding!! But I guess, "A wrinkled mess" that will cater to your every need is what Shaun wants. And she is definitely used to giving it!! LOL A friend of mine,who was married to an "older man" for awhile, said his new girlfriend, was banging her stepson and his friends!! All of them approx. 15-20 years younger than her! One night stands mostly, but she supposedly "Loved" 'em all!!!
Way to go Shaun.... from a woman with class to.... well, let's leave that alone.
Anyway... so my friends and I head to the main stage... My friends Mark & Jill were playing, and I was determined to enjoy it! My father's friends, along with Andy were scattered among the people at Expo, "watching out" for me (I hate when they do that!) I had just come from talking to Mark (behind stage) and joined my friends. Who comes over to our side of the stage, pretending to look at something? yep, the new girlfriend! LOL!!! Did they think it would "intimidate" me?? It did nothing but create a roar of laughter among me and my friends!
THAT was insecurity on HER part!! I will always be a part of Shaun's heart, and he will always be part of mine, and I'm sure she doesn't like the fact that she can't control what we had. LMAO!
I was feeling very confident and good about myself that night, so Shaun's decision to be with someone else... didn't even phase me!
I ignored him and his hag. I ran into so many of my friends, danced, enjoyed the music, and had a great time!
I did have a moment, when I glanced back in the crowd and saw him standing alone, not far from me, and I couldn't help but think of all the things that could have been, had he not been so self consumed. But then my friends thankfully, snapped me out of it.
I have made the effort to "re-read that chapter" in my life.... I'm done trying, if he doesn't know or care about how I felt or what we had, why should I? It appears the "sparks and flames" that burned my soul, are healing. He would have to do something big, and full of effort to get to this woman again. The pain of the last 3 months is finally ending!

The Heat of the Beach

I Love the Beach in the warmth of the summer, but again, I find myself having to push back memories. I fear I will be faced with alot of memories through out the summer months.
I am trying to find "new memories" to replace the steamy ones that Shaun and I shared.
From the moment I pulled into the parking lot, these memories flooded my heart, I can remember the exact spot, we parked in, the exact spot we spread out our blanket. I pushed myself, every step of the way.
Something I enjoyed so freely has turned into a phobia, I must face and conquer to get on with my life. Everything from a hot breeze, to the sound of the lake on the shore. That day, the beach was full of people, yet we were so consumed with each other, it seemed as though we were alone.
We laid on that blanket enjoying not only the heat of the sun, but the heat and passion between us. tender touches, that sent a cool chill through me, kisses so soft, and a desire that filled our eyes so much, I'm certain, everyone on that beach knew exactly how we felt about each other.
We layed on that blanket until the heat and passion became to much. We had to venture into the water assuming it would relieve some of the heat.
Holding and touching each other in the water, may have diffused some external sparks, but the internal bond between us only grew uncontrollable. With my arms and legs wrapped around him, we moved in slow, sultry circles, creating such a mesmerizing feeling in the water. We lost sight of everyone and everything around us. We made love so passionately, our hearts became intertwined with our souls. I know neither of us had ever experienced a passion that strong. It was the day our heart and souls truly connected.
I'm sure we both expected to be able to enjoy those moments for a lifetime. Now almost a year later, I would give anything to be able to forget. There are days when I pray, the events that broke us, never happened, Although the world saw the love between us, we became ignorant to it, allowing our stubbornness work it's way into our love, tearing it apart. Maybe it was more than anyone was ready for....
Facing memories like this, seems to be hardening my heart, because my heart was so consumed by the Love that Shaun and I shared.

Beyond You

Saw some pictures of him and his "new" Old Girlfriend, I thought they would really bother me. Guess what! I could just think... If she only knew... I related it to the relationship he had with Darlene. It's very sad really, that he will never see beyond what a woman can do for him. He will never really know love.
Don't get me wrong, I will always have a place in my heart for him, and hope someday he will be the kind of man he can be proud of, but it's not a burden I bear any longer. Sooner or later he will see that he needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet, so he can get really be happy. I hope you find that someday baby, learn to be a good man, for yourself, not for someone else. For-Always...

A warm, sultry night

With the warmer weather comes many memories. These memories were once sweet, now they only haunt me. Last night I walked outside and between the stillness of the night, the smell of fresh blooms, and the humidity after a good rain... a flood of emotions hit me! Will I ever be able to enjoy these nights again? Just when I think I'll be OK, another memory is triggered by something we once shared together.
This one was an evening on a blanket in an open field, the same scent, the same atmosphere. After a full day of anticipating each other, we enjoyed making love that night as we laid on a blanket admiring the stars in the sky, they always seemed to shine brighter for us. Occasionally we would even catch a glimpse of a shooting star. Holding each other, talking about our future. All the sweetness, admiration, and love between us always overwhelmed me. It was so perfect between us... almost like every creature felt that love and the universe affirmed it. Often, I would get very quiet just trying to take it all in, every word, every touch, every kiss, the look in his eyes, the smell of new blooms, fresh cut grass, the stillness in the air, the rustle of wildlife. Every sweet thing was absorbed and locked away in my heart to cherish forever.
Now it has become poison to my heart. Each time one of those memories becomes unlocked, it races straight through my veins and batters my heart, with the reminder that we lost each other.

One Year ago....

I never thought I would have fallen so hard in love with a man the way I did with him...
My heart was alive for the first time in a very long time. We fell in love so deeply. It's hard to believe it's been a year, and so much has changed. After waiting 10 years, The passion and desire was overbearing! It ended to quickly. It ended badly. and he had the nerve to say "maybe in another 10 years"? 
Shaun, you made me feel like I was nothing with out you, you hurt me, you avoided responsibility, you just turned your back.
How could you say, "no one will ever love you as much as I do" and yet do all those awful things?
I will never understand, how someone who claimed to be such a good man, could act the way you have.
I hope someday you feel all the deep rooted pain and heartache you have caused so many people. I hope someday you feel the anxiety of loving and missing someone so much, that you shake uncontrollably, that you can't eat, you literally get sick at the thought of them loving someone else. That you have to deal with a situation they contributed to and refused to take responsibility for.
I hope you someday you'll know what it's like to walk around in a haze, to miss out on days of our life because the sadness from your broken heart, won't let you concentrate on anything in your life. I hope you are judged and ridiculed by your friends , family members, and complete strangers, for continuing to love that person and hang on to the hope that they will come back to you, even after they hurt you so deeply and obviously moved on so quickly. I hope someday you know the fear of running into them, or seeing them with someone else, to the point that you shut yourself out from the world.
I hope someday you hear all the bad, disrespectful lies they have said about you, after saying they loved you. I hope you feel the crushing pain of being told that they don't want you, that they don't love you. All within a matter of a week.
I hope you feel all this for months after a break up. The only thing that hurts me more, is knowing I can never repay you with that kind of hurt!!
It has been 3 months, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you, wondering why we gave up. Not a day goes by, that I pray I don't run into you, not a day goes by, that I don't have to pretend I'm OK. Not a day goes by, that I don't think about the life we may have had together, and all the promises you made to me. Not a day goes by, that I have to deal with knowing we could have had a family if it weren't for your selfishness. Not a day goes by, that I have to change the radio station because music was such a big part of our relationship.

The one thing I cling to everyday, is that someday I will be over you. Someday I will find the man of my dreams, the one man, that can love me more than you!

Happy Birthday

Happy 30th Birthday Shaun T Cohorn. 4-30-2010

All We'd ever need... is gone

To truly understand a persons actions you sometimes have to understand their heart.
A heart that loves so intensely will go to great lengths to show that love.
I know you don't fully understand all the events that happened, just as I don't understand why, after just 5 days you could move in with another woman. You said you Loved me, yet you tried to convince this woman what an awful person I was. You said you wanted to try and work things out with me, yet you told her it was only because I was pregnant. Did you ever really love me? Is it so easy for you to shut your heart down?
I sent those messages to her, so she would think twice about having feelings for you. I did not want to have to fight for your love so, I saw it as eliminating my opponents. You should never have opened that door Shaun, you should have made sure there was no chance for us left. We could have had the perfect life together and you threw it away, the minute you moved in with another woman.
I know you love me as much as I love you. If you could only open your heart and do the right thing. Shaun you are going to be 30 years old. Your life is not stable, you don't allow yourself to be comfortable and content. I want to work things out with you baby, I love you and care about you so much! Stop trying to fight fate!

The Good Things...

Country rides, Laying on a blanket in the field under the hot summer sun, Spending the day at the beach, Dancing, Getaways at the hotel, Jumping on the bed, Hot tubs, Road trips, Our first Christmas, Niagara Falls, Wading in the creek, skipping rocks, Laying in bed all day making love, Watching movies, Making breakfast together, Setting off the smoke alarm while making love, Getting caught in a thunderstorm while sleeping next to the pond, "Nooners", Camping for the weekend, Breakfast at Waffle House, TD's, Nights in Lexington, Shopping, Country roads.....
Laughing, Talking, Expressing feelings, Longing, Touching, Exploring, Kissing, Being silly, Smiling, Wrestling, Tickling, Dancing, Singing, Cuddling, Holding hands, Comforting, Hugging, Holding each other, Passion, Making love, Falling asleep in each others arms...
Our special songs, Our special sayings, Our Tattoos, Our special look, Our tokens of love, Our hopes, Our dreams, Our home.....
So many good things we've shared over such a short period of time, this is what stands out most, this is why I Love You so very much! These memories help me see the rough spots weren't that bad after all. I miss US!

A Love to fight for...

During the course of a person's lifetime, one cannot always escape the grim reality of a battle. Of course I don't mean battle like a sense of war but more or less by its meaning; an encounter between two opposing forces. Aside from the usual heartaches that we feel when we're in love, we are also in danger of fighting for that particular love.

Yet, for some reason, when the battle becomes a one-sided battle, more often than not, one or the other will give up. Whether it's the pain of seeing the other get hurt or just tired from fighting for something that won't be theirs, giving up may sound the rational thing to do. But from here on in, how can you assure yourself that what you did in the past will definitely not happen again? If you gave up on someone you love, how can you be so sure that you won't do it again the next time you fall in love? When love is true, when love is pure, despite all adversities, pain is never a reason to let go or give up. If you truly love a person, then you should give it your all to fight for that somebody, to make sure that he/she will never be gone or taken away from you. Often times, we find ourselves asking the question "if he/she really worth fighting for? Is our love worth fighting for?". The answer to those questions will have different answers coming from different perspectives. But the one thing that will bind all answers despite their difference is how much you love that person. Fighting for love is a test of your character, to see how far you are willing to go for that someone, to see how much pain you're willing to endure for him/her. "Strength through adversity" does not apply directly to wars and warriors but also applies to a relationship. However, it takes two of you to fight for your relationship and for your love, keeping each other strong and holding on through tough times.

In my personal perspective, I'll always fight for the one that I love, no matter the adversity. And the answer that I'm about to give to this question "is he really worth fighting for? Is our love worth fighting for?" is "YES". Come what may, love is always worth fighting for, whether it's a simple form of love for friends to a more deeper and profound feeling of love towards your special someone.

Time for me

Funny, as I take time for me... I think about my AS(s) period. (After Shaun, ) I seemed to have lost, or given up so much more of myself for him. I don' t understand why though. Maybe I thought he needed help, maybe because I thought he could be a better man, maybe I saw something in him that he continues to fight.
This "boy" I met so many years ago had such aspirations, but he always clung to some mysterious force that always seemed to "detour" him so easily. I had always had an attraction to him, as he did toward me. Was it the mystery of what could have been? 10 Years later we found each other in a situation that he blames me for... even though he wanted it just as bad as I did. We fell in love... a single kiss... He was my "Superman" I was his "Kryptonite" We shared so much, but couldn't see past our issues. We couldn't hang onto the love in our hearts....
Strange how strong our love can be... yet how weak we were to keep it alive...... Could we have ever found the strength??? I am a strong woman, but I feel he was a weak man.... Sad really! Why couldn't we see what was staring us right in the face????

It Hurts....

Knowing how easily I could be forgotten. He has moved on while I still sit here with a broken heart. I have hung onto the hope that he would realize that what we had was worth fighting for. I will keep on loving him for the rest of my life, and it's tearing me apart. Why can't I still be the woman in his arms, the woman that makes him happy?
My life is at a stand still. I see glimmers of my old self, and think, why did it change when he loved me so much? I am so full of regret and hurt, it's hard to get through the day.
Why is it I can find the strength to help everyone else, but when it comes to me, I'm a mess?

Time to say Goodbye

My relationship with Shaun is over, I thought we had a love that could weather it all. One person can not mend it by themselves. I can not allow my heart to hurt any longer. I Love you enough to let you go. I Hope you find whatever it is you are looking for Shaun. I will Love you ...For - Always...

Once in a Lifetime Love

My Heart & Soul

I fell in Love with Shaun from the first kiss, the first night we made love, I knew I wanted to be the woman he couldn't live without. Each moment we spent together, our hearts and souls intertwined. It became harder and harder to be apart from each other. We both denied how strong our feelings were as long as we could.
We were spontaneous and fun loving, I enjoyed each and every minute with him, and I believe in my heart he felt the same. We spent months growing closer, our hearts needed each other. Never, had I allowed myself to be that intimate with a man. Our passion for each other was overwhelming! I couldn't help but fall so deeply in love with him.
We eventually began spending every free moment together, losing ourselves in each other. Of course with the good, came some bad, but I felt we could get through it, if we worked at it. I never would have guessed it would end so suddenly.
I started to hold things inside, little things began to irritate me, I had no idea why at the time. He picked up on it, and Jealousy became an issue, then control, then animosity, hurt feelings, apologies, grudges.... what was happening to us?
We loved each other so much! How could those things overtake us? Was it the winter blues? finances? outside influences? new friends? I think all of the above had something to do with our down fall. But I had always been able to reasonably get through those things, why did they affect us so much? Did he stop trying too? Was he getting bored with me? It could have been a whole combination of things. But if we loved each other so much how did they get out of control?
On Valentines Day my heart was shattered! It was the end of Us.
Looking back now, just a month after my universe fell apart, I see so many factors that added to the whole thing. They were out of our hands. If we could have gotten a grasp on them, we'd still be so happy. We'd have our life together, the fairytale that so many only dream of....
Every day without him, I find myself remorseful for every issue we couldn't overcome. My happiness faded, my soul fell into despair. I pray every day that I will experience that kind of love once again.
A love that strong, just can't be fixed? If it can't I pray my heart is torn from my chest so I never feel the pain when I hear his name, or hear a song that meant so much. I would rather have a stone in my chest than the constant ache to be close to him, I don't want to know that he has moved on, while all I can do is think of every moment we spent together. I fear I will love him forever, and he will never know how good we could have been....
Shaun Cohorn, I will always Love you!

There is a Hole

An attraction 10 years ago, became a love so intense this past year. Maybe too intense.
From the first kiss, my heart raced, my face flushed, and I was weak in the knees.
It was never supposed to happen, but we fell in love. I knew his past, and he knew mine but, we still wanted to be each others future.
A love that started that intense really had no room to grow. I believe it began to destroy itself because we were both so afraid of losing each other. and we did.
The jealousy and control that we both exhibited couldn't be contained. I began to second guess the kind of woman I was, and a woman I didn't recognize began to emerge. I began to push him away on purpose because I saw it coming, my heart accepted his love, but my mind wouldn't believe it. Maybe it was the same for him...
If only we could have kept the two people who fell in love, in a picture frame with the reminder that we loved each other just the way we were, instead of trying to "modify" each other.

Lots, more, often...
Superman & kryptonite...
The Bandits... ( backyard, mailbox, love bandits, etc...)
All da' time....
Baby
I Love you, Beautiful
When it's good, it's great! when it's bad it's hard...
Lenny...SRV
A song he was to write that I'll never hear on my birthday
Country roads

These bring back thoughts and feelings that I now have to hide away in the deepest parts of my heart.
Forgiveness and effort were the things I desired, just as they had been given to him... but, I was a fool to think he was capable of them. I now have to be selfish with my heart too... Damn, that's so hard for me!
I Loved You Shaun Cohorn, whether you believed me or not. You will always own that hole, that could have been my life... now, someday it will just be a scar.

“Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about.”

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.”

These are some things my friends have told me, and I am really trying to let it all sink in, as I move on...