What could have been, will never be....

Still got the Blues for you...

Used to be so easy to give my heart away. But I found that the hard way There's a price you have to pay.
I found out that love was no friend of mine. I should have known time after time.  
So long, it was so long ago, But I've still got the blues for you.  
Used to be so easy to fall in love again. But I found that the hard way, It's a road that leads to pain. 
I found that love was more than just a game You're playin' to win. but you lose just the same.
So long, it was so long ago, But I've still got the blues for you.  
So many years, since I've seen your face. But here in my heart, there's an empty space... Where you used to be.  
So long, it was so long ago But I've still got the blues for you.  
Though the days come and go, there is one thing I know... 
I've still got the blues for you...

This was one of the first songs, that began strengthening our connection to each other...




This one could still stop me in my tracks!



 

I Love Your Memory... For-Always...

Wow!!! This Says it all!!

I'm being followed....

I've noticed a few peculiar things every time I post a blog....  
Seems like a few of my comments may have struck a nerve with someone,  make a comment about a hat... changed, mention someone discussing him with me... they get reprimanded. 

Hmmmmm...  jealous girlfriend,,,,,Do you find it odd, that when he met you, you had short, brown hair... Now it's long. blonde and wavy?  (very similar to mine?)  
an Ex...  If you wanted to know how I felt, you could have asked. (you knew my email, and had my number)  If you didn't care, then why are you reading this? 
a friend or foe?.....   Reading how such an intense love, caused so much pain, anger, and heartache for the past 2 years... I hope it has enlightened you.somewhat.

Fooling people or real?

 Enjoying some much needed time off from work the other day, I decided to spend the day relaxing in the pool.  All I wanted was to float around, soaking up the sun and not think about anything!!  
After just half an hour of enjoying the rays, Mark called me to apologize for the other night, and wanted to take me out on the boat Saturday to make up for it.  
I was supposed to see a friends band with him, but due to his buddy having relationship issues he had to pass.  I really wasn't that upset about it, as it was an outdoor gig, and a huge storm came in shortly after they started.  He proceeded to tell me that he had stopped there, just as it started to rain, and he felt pretty bad for them. They were pouring water out of the amps, etc..  He said oh, BTW your Shaun wasn't there either...  REALLY??!!
I quickly corrected him, stating he hasn't been mine for 2 years! Realizing his mistake, Mark said, "I'm sorry, I meant to say your ex... and the only reason I mentioned it was, because I know you've been wanting to see them without running into him."  
"Hey, I know how you feel about him, but would you ever speak to him, if he wanted to set things right?  Alot of people I've talked to, say that he's been clean and sober for awhile now.  His band is doing pretty well, and he's not so arrogant when he's sober." 
Mark, I am glad to hear that he is getting his life on track, that really does make me happy. I know his band is doing good, and I think alot of that is due to Norma.  The biggest part of his relationship with Norma, stems from his music. She encourages it, because that's the side of Shaun she fell in love with.  I fell in love with Shaun,the man.  I loved him for who he was, not because he was a musician.  I encouraged, loved and supported him, and the extensions of who He was. Not just the musician in him.... AND WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS ANYWAY???
"I know you never had closure with him, and just wondered".  
HE never gave me closure, because HE wasn't capable. But,I have found my own closure.  I have been doing fine for quite awhile, and if SOME PEOPLE, would quit thinking my life and his are still connected somehow...  I would be doing So much BETTER!!
I appreciate the phone call, but I'd really like to get back to enjoying the pool.
I couldn't believe how this phone call disrupted my entire afternoon!!  I can't seem to avoid people who constantly remind me of him!  I've changed my phone number, and have only given it to a few people I trust, I've moved, I don't bring up his name in conversation, I haven't tried to contact him in over 2 years, I've not been going out that often... and still I run into people who want to tell me about him!  
Is it a sadness within me, that people pick up on?  Do I have a "sign" that hovers above my head that says, "my heart still beats, go ahead and add more pain?"  
This blog is the only place I express what I have gone through, and how I felt about him, maybe this needs to stop also....  

Just a thought...

If every man (or woman) would keep this in mind, there may be less heartache...

What an awful change!

I ran into an acquaintance today, (the wife of one of Shaun's friends)  who felt it necessary to tell me all about him.  I tried to change the subject, asking about her job, the kids.. etc... but, she kept leading the conversation right back to him!  When will people realize that I just don't care?! I don't want to hear about him! 
After a lengthy story about the past 2 years, she proceeded to show me pictures of one of his gigs on her phone.  I tried several times, to politely leave, but she was oblivious to my hints!  One of last things I wanted, was to see a picture of the man who caused me so much pain!  I was caught off guard and just didn't know how to express this without being curt. 
Looking at a few of the pictures she shoved in my face, I have to say, I was surprised! What I saw on that iPhone, was a husky, long haired man, who appeared to have aged more than 20 years! WOW! I was totally shocked!! That was not the same man whom I had loved so deeply!  He appears to have lost what little sense of style he had, (who the hell wears a suede hat in the middle of summer?? and a thin white t-shirt with "moobs"? Ugh!)  That long straggly hair is very UNbecoming!  Looks like a 60 year old hippy gave him some really bad advice! LMAO!  I couldn't believe what I was seeing! How can a "30ish man" go from being hip, confident, and well groomed, with a sexy "Blake Shelton" look... to looking like an old man who grew up in  70's, trying to hang onto his youth?  What an awful transformation!  I am still in shock!

Buried Memories...

This past week at work, was crazy busy.  I was intently focused on my work when, out of no where a memory of you, suddenly distracts me.  Your face fills my mind, I hear your voice in my ear, my heart starts to jump in my chest... I closed my eyes and tried to push it back down into the dark corner where I have safely stored it.

This one was pretty powerful, I started to tremble, as it would not give me peace.  The memories of us rushed through my heart, taking my breathe away.  As if you had some mental connection to me.  I pulled the picture of us out of my desk, where it had been buried away for years.  Looking at that passionate kiss forever frozen in the frame makes it worse.  My breathe becomes shallow, and the tears begin to roll down my cheek.  

I sat there for almost an hour trying to fight this memory, mentally pleading for it to stop. Finally I gain some control, but I'm not able to diminish it all together.  Randomly throughout the day, you'd pop in  (very similar to the numerous phone calls, IM's and emails you'd send me whenever we were apart). Sometimes I'd smile, sometimes you'd take my breathe away, sometimes I'd cry and sometimes I'd get angry....

It's things like this that used to tear me apart and almost break me.  Now, I remain intact emotionally and just sit and wonder, if we ever had closure after our breakup.... would these memories still haunt me?  

You can hide...

So my ex FINALLY decides to block me from his facebook page.  Funny how he only did it so he could post a picture of him and his girlfriend   (Do you really think your "friends" don't tell me, or show me things?? hahaha....)

What a piece of work! If you were HONEST with yourself,  knew how to swallow your pride and follow your heart, you wouldn't  have to block people just to convince HER that you care! 

She must really be ignorant to your ways!  Any REAL woman would be able to see right through that crap!  Why do you think I left you??  Look at you now... trying to keep your meal ticket!  How very sad!  

.... and to think I once loved you with all my heart.....

The old woman in my Dreams...

Why does she still visit??  I'm moving on, yet she reminds me of things I used to believe in when we were together.  But I stopped believing in them, when you moved on. 

In my dreams she pleads with me, she tells me about your soul, your childhood, your fears. As though I was unaware.  I tell her you didn't love me enough...  Her lighthearted laughter warms your soul, and she whispers in your ear, "let go, open your heart, give it your all" and flashes a memory of us. As though it could ever change what has passed between us.  

We have drifted so far apart now, that I can finally be happy.  Please ask her to stop...  Tell her you don't Love me...  Tell her how much you hurt me...  Tell her this door is closed...

My One and Only...

You know who you are.... Just a simple phone call....

Is it really love??

I thought I fell head over heels in love 3 years ago. I thought Shaun and I had it all. I hadn't felt love like that since Danielle's father. When we broke up, I was crushed, devastated....
I now see how selfish Shaun was. Even though everyone could see how good we were together, he couldn't. He was too immature, for my love. It's his loss.
The man I am with now, is so deserving of my love. He loved and cherished me even when I was far from perfect. While I was busy feeling sorry for myself after Shaun and I broke up, hoping everyday that he (Shaun) would finally realize that we were meant to be. That he might step up and take the initiative, to maybe not be so self absorbed. It took me almost 2 years and a nervous breakdown, to realize that he can't love anyone enough to change the "asshole persona" he portrays.
Through all that, My new love was trying to show me how a real man can love a woman. He was patient, kind, non-judgmental and understanding through it all. He is the total opposite of Shaun, He does not control me, he is not angry at me for having loved someone like Shaun. He has encouraged me to go thru all the emotions, the pain, the anguish... I was so blind to his love and support, UNTIL, I finally got over Shaun. He looked at me and said, "I can't promise that I will never hurt you that way, but I do promise that I will never allow you to hurt that way, ever again!!"
He gets me! He totally understands me! He respects me for who I am, and trusts that I love him!
He was there when I needed a shoulder and a friend. He never allowed me to use him. He wanted the real me, not me on the rebound. And the best thing is, He waited until I was ready! He didn't get angry or turn away from me because the healing process "took to long" That quiet respect and gentle understanding means so much to me, and speaks much louder than words. I knew a rebound relationship, wasn't going to heal my heart. When you so desperately want to feel the kind of love you just lost, sometimes you blindly jump into the first relationship that comes along, and end up even more hurt and confused.
My new love understood that and patiently waited! *** That's Love***

I hope someday Shaun can find TRUE happiness! If his heart is truly happy with Norma, I am happy for him. If not, I pray that he grows up and figures it out someday.

Thawing heart...

I don't know when it started, but I believe my heart is beginning to thaw out.
I have a man in my life that truly cares about me. I do believe his relentless calls and openness, may have finally gotten through to me. I am amazed at how long he has been trying to break into my heart! Most men would have given up months ago!! After all that I have been through, I am going to take it slow and let this evolve into a great long lasting relationship!

Valentines Day

It's been 2 years since you broke my heart. I just want to say, I think I'm going to be OK.
I do want to thank you for "more, lots, often..." It was the one thing in our relationship I truly enjoyed. (and the only thing you couldn't fake).
I hope someday you realize what you walked away from, and what you settled for.

The First Step is the hardest...

Heartbreak can hold you back by:

• Affecting other areas of your life
• Diminishing your self-confidence
• Making you question your decisions

About a year after my Break up , I fell to the bathroom floor in a full out panic attack. The memory of my break up was still very fresh. I decided right then and there it had been long enough. I knew I had to search out the solution to healing a broken heart, because I didn’t buy the old adage that “time heals all wounds.” It certainly didn’t for me. I decided it was time to climb back up from that bathroom floor and find the life that I knew still awaited me.

You Can Fool Your Family and Friends, but You Can’t Fool Yourself.

Mentally check off the things you’ve found yourself thinking lately:

• “I have a knot in the pit of my stomach all day long – an actual physical pain.”
• “I either cannot eat at all or when I DO eat I eat everything I can to try to make me feel better.”
• “I know our relationship had problems, but I still have a feeling of overwhelming loss.”
• “I check my messages every 5 minutes – I’m not sure what I’m expecting, but I expect something.”
• “I keep trying to figure out when it really went wrong.”
• “The thought of dating again is absolutely inconceivable to me.”
• “I lie in bed thinking this was not suppose to be the way my life turned out.”
• “I lie in bed thinking I cannot believe this is happening to me at this stage and age in my life.”

borrowed from Amelie Chance

How long will it be before you can get through your daily routine without feeling the wave of pain sweep over you, without sensing that knot in the pit of your stomach, and without dwelling on what went wrong? If these are some of the questions you are asking yourself, you are not alone.

A broken heart can cause such an intense reaction that you may feel your life has been completely stripped of meaning. Jobs, hobbies, and friends may no longer hold any joy. In fact, some of us even experience physical pain with a tight chest, nervous stomach, or terrible insomnia. “Time heals all wounds” is something we have all heard over the years, but do you really have to wait for time to heal these wounds? Absolutely not. There are steps you can take to alleviate the pain you feel. These steps were developed by people who have endured the pain of a difficult break-up and sought a better way to heal.

When your Heart and mind disagree...

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better – nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, “Go ahead, send it, you will feel better…temporarily at least.”

During the Relationship

Your heart says, “This relationship is everything I need.”
Your mind says, “There are red flags here that I shouldn’t ignore.”

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

After the Break Up

Your mind says, “I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I’m going to feel like myself.”
Your heart says, “The pain is excruciating, I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again.”

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind – it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven’t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

“It’s impossible.” said pride.
“It’s risky.” said experience.
“It’s pointless.” said reason.
“Give it a try.” whispered the heart.”

Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Without worrying whether they’ll give anything back. Or if they’re gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn’t something that happens to you. Maybe it’s something you have to choose.
We all want the "fairytale love", but maybe we have to decide to what that really is for us....

Here I Go!!

It's a New Year! I have so many aspirations for this year...
About 2 years ago, I was burdened with a vast amount of emotional and health issues. It has been a slow process of healing, but this year I feel I am finally ready to move on and refocus my life.
Among my aspirations, are the usual weight loss & good health. And of course continuing the work on family relations with my siblings, and being a better mother to my children. Some of my higher hopes and dreams include finishing my book, building up my catering business, work on my vocal training and doing a bit of singing again.
I have to give some credit to my friends for lifting me up, being there with their sweet encouraging words, and showing me that I don't need a man to validate the kind of woman I have always been.
I have re-arranged my priorities, so the flow of my life and my happiness can be at it's best!!