Deny your heart...

Will we ever be able to face each other honestly? There was a time when we could talk about anything and get through it.
I loved you unconditionally, I trusted you to keep me safe, I believed in you when your past proved otherwise, I trusted you to be true to me when everyone said you wouldn't be... I have never regretted it.
I believe we wanted to have the best of each other, that it hurt deeply when our flaws sometimes surfaced.
Have we hurt each other so badly that we are denying ourselves of true happiness, of true love?
I've realized that I haven't really let you go... I can't seem to betray my heart... Through the anger, the pain, the disappointment, the tears, the love we shared still hangs on.
I am not bold enough to approach you, but feel that we need to face each other and talk in order to move on. I don't know that we could ever be friends, but pretending to hate you is killing me.
How did we let things get so complicated between us? It was easy when we just loved each other.
I don't believe that I'll ever love another man as strongly or as passionately as I've Loved you, Shaun Cohorn.
If by chance, you ever come across this blog, I hope you read it with all the Love you have ever felt for me. It's the only way you will understand all the emotions I've expressed.
When I said "For-Always" it was because I gave you a part of my heart, that I knew I'd never get back.

Just a memory...

The end of summer is approaching. It was about this time last year that Shaun and I admitted to each other how strongly we felt. We had such big hopes of a happy life together. Now it's just a memory. One that still consumes my heart, as I quietly reflect on the Love we shared, and keep it bottled inside me.
I've had one close encounter with Shaun since my heart was ripped from my chest. I thought I'd break down and leave, instead of facing him, and finding a way to be honest about the past few months without him. My guard went up, and frustration came to the surface. I suppose I expected him to look at me with the same love that used to fill his eyes. Instead, I found myself avoiding his eyes, and to deal with the pain, I acted like I didn't care. I found Strength in anger. But it backfired on me... I cried for a week after that.
What I really wanted, was for him to take my hand and lead me away from everyone. I wanted to know that all his anger was just a facade to protect his heart. I wanted so desperately to see the love that once filled both our eyes... I wanted the opportunity to talk with him rationally, with no interruptions, to express all the things we both have surpressed over the last few months because of our pride.
I have this blog so I can express what I feel, what we had, what we both walked away from.
If I could turn back time, I don't think I would have loved you any differently. I will always Love you baby... To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson... "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us." (our past or our future, can not change the love that is in our hearts).
Please don't allow our hearts to harden....

The old you returns...

I still believe the man I thought you were, is in there somewhere. I hate to see you doing this to yourself. I can't believe how easily you have reverted to the "Selfish Jerk" everyone has always thought you were.

When we were together you started to respect yourself and had a better outlook on your life, your goals and your future.
Our relationship has been over for months now, and people still wonder what happened, they still talk to me about you. They are concerned about the person you are reverting to. I hear things like he's arrogant, he's back on drugs, he's ignoring his son, he's cheating again, he's obnoxious, he's using people, he only think about himself.... as though I could change any of that.
I loved you so deeply at one time, and if that helped you to be a better man, find that joy in yourself. I have always believed in you and maybe pushed you when you weren't ready... but I think if you would have tried harder, you would have been happier.
We hurt each other, why? I'm not sure....
You have created this fictitious image of me in your mind. Is it so you don't have to remember what we had? It tears at my heart to see you this way. The hatred you try to express toward me is unfounded, but if it's the only way for you to deal with your new life, you may want to think about where you will end up.

Shaun, we may never be friends again, but my heart will always love the man you used to be, when there was an "US".