Was it Real?

My heart won't let go.... It's been 4 months since this man ripped such a huge part of my heart from me. My mind has rationalized the situation, but something that he left behind in my heart will not let go.
Someone brings up his name, or mentions something about him, I see a picture of him... those things don't seem to bother me. Even seeing him in person, I was able to ignore him, ( with the exception of the few glances, when he wasn't looking)
Just when I think I can move on, something weird happens, and I end up hurting all over again.
When my mind can shut my feeling out, I can deal with it.
It's all the little signs... the things that seem to say, "Our love was an act of fate". The meaningful songs that seem to play when we are in each others presence, the ones that we connected with when we were together. The feeling of Deja Vu when I am revisiting a place where we may have spent time together. People that I don't even remember meeting, tell me how they were inspired by the love they saw in our eyes... How can that be?? It was so many months ago, and yet Shaun and I impacted complete strangers that way?? Even the memory of my dreams torture me after I wake. It's those things that scare me, have we messed with fate? Will I ever feel this strongly about a man again?
His actions and attitude tell me he is able to file our love and our life together away somewhere. I wonder if it ever comes to the surface, causing the same grief. I wish I could lock all those feelings and memories away that way. Maybe I could also pretend to love someone again.

No Comparison!

So I went to Expo Friday, to listen to the bands. Guess who was there... Yep... Shaun and his OLD lady. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against her age, it's just the fact that she actually does LOOK old! Her hands, her wrinkled skin, her wrinkled face... and the fact that she tries to dress young to keep Shaun, is funny as hell!
When Shaun and I tried to "work things out" shortly after our break up, and I asked him to get away from her, He himself even said, "You don't have to worry, she's a wrinkled mess, it's just a place to stay." Kenny and Susan even told me she is young looking until you see her face... WOW!!! They weren't kidding!! But I guess, "A wrinkled mess" that will cater to your every need is what Shaun wants. And she is definitely used to giving it!! LOL A friend of mine,who was married to an "older man" for awhile, said his new girlfriend, was banging her stepson and his friends!! All of them approx. 15-20 years younger than her! One night stands mostly, but she supposedly "Loved" 'em all!!!
Way to go Shaun.... from a woman with class to.... well, let's leave that alone.
Anyway... so my friends and I head to the main stage... My friends Mark & Jill were playing, and I was determined to enjoy it! My father's friends, along with Andy were scattered among the people at Expo, "watching out" for me (I hate when they do that!) I had just come from talking to Mark (behind stage) and joined my friends. Who comes over to our side of the stage, pretending to look at something? yep, the new girlfriend! LOL!!! Did they think it would "intimidate" me?? It did nothing but create a roar of laughter among me and my friends!
THAT was insecurity on HER part!! I will always be a part of Shaun's heart, and he will always be part of mine, and I'm sure she doesn't like the fact that she can't control what we had. LMAO!
I was feeling very confident and good about myself that night, so Shaun's decision to be with someone else... didn't even phase me!
I ignored him and his hag. I ran into so many of my friends, danced, enjoyed the music, and had a great time!
I did have a moment, when I glanced back in the crowd and saw him standing alone, not far from me, and I couldn't help but think of all the things that could have been, had he not been so self consumed. But then my friends thankfully, snapped me out of it.
I have made the effort to "re-read that chapter" in my life.... I'm done trying, if he doesn't know or care about how I felt or what we had, why should I? It appears the "sparks and flames" that burned my soul, are healing. He would have to do something big, and full of effort to get to this woman again. The pain of the last 3 months is finally ending!

The Heat of the Beach

I Love the Beach in the warmth of the summer, but again, I find myself having to push back memories. I fear I will be faced with alot of memories through out the summer months.
I am trying to find "new memories" to replace the steamy ones that Shaun and I shared.
From the moment I pulled into the parking lot, these memories flooded my heart, I can remember the exact spot, we parked in, the exact spot we spread out our blanket. I pushed myself, every step of the way.
Something I enjoyed so freely has turned into a phobia, I must face and conquer to get on with my life. Everything from a hot breeze, to the sound of the lake on the shore. That day, the beach was full of people, yet we were so consumed with each other, it seemed as though we were alone.
We laid on that blanket enjoying not only the heat of the sun, but the heat and passion between us. tender touches, that sent a cool chill through me, kisses so soft, and a desire that filled our eyes so much, I'm certain, everyone on that beach knew exactly how we felt about each other.
We layed on that blanket until the heat and passion became to much. We had to venture into the water assuming it would relieve some of the heat.
Holding and touching each other in the water, may have diffused some external sparks, but the internal bond between us only grew uncontrollable. With my arms and legs wrapped around him, we moved in slow, sultry circles, creating such a mesmerizing feeling in the water. We lost sight of everyone and everything around us. We made love so passionately, our hearts became intertwined with our souls. I know neither of us had ever experienced a passion that strong. It was the day our heart and souls truly connected.
I'm sure we both expected to be able to enjoy those moments for a lifetime. Now almost a year later, I would give anything to be able to forget. There are days when I pray, the events that broke us, never happened, Although the world saw the love between us, we became ignorant to it, allowing our stubbornness work it's way into our love, tearing it apart. Maybe it was more than anyone was ready for....
Facing memories like this, seems to be hardening my heart, because my heart was so consumed by the Love that Shaun and I shared.