I'm finding happiness is so many different ways. My family is getting stronger every day! We've had a few rough years, but not only have my children forgiven me for some bad choices, But the bond with my siblings is strong and getting stronger all the time. I have found a happy medium in my home life with Andy.
I believe I am survivor of a broken heart. I now can see through the ignorance that clouded my life when I put my whole heart and trust into a relationship with a man that didn't deserve an ounce of it.
I have higher standards for my relationships because of what Shaun put me through, not because I'm bitter, but because I deserve it. I can still feel immensely loved by someone, and allow myself to love them back with my whole heart.
So even though I've had to wander through the brambles, I'm now in an open field heading for a beautiful garden!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Spreading it around...
In February 2010, I was diagnosed with HPV (Human PapillomaVirus) This is a sexually transmitted disease that causes Cervical Cancer. I did not have this Virus Prior to that because I have faithfully seen my GYN for annual check ups. Thank God, They caught mine early enough that it didn't spread and they were able to remove it.
I believe, that I contracted this Cancer Causing Virus from my EX. As added confirmation of this, I just heard that the woman he hooked up with immediately after me has Cervical Cancer also.
Coincidence? I DOUBT it! How much damage and pain does this S.O.B. get to cause before he has to pay for it? Don't get me wrong, I may not like his girlfriend, but I certainly don't wish a disease like that on anyone.
The sad thing is, I told her that I contracted HPV from him, when he was playing both of us! How ignorant can one woman be?? She lost her business, almost lost her children, HE totaled her vehicle and SHE obtained injuries, lost her home, now she risks losing her life because of him??
I am so glad I got away from him when I did! I may have suffered a broken heart for a very long time, but atleast I still have my dignity and my life!
I believe, that I contracted this Cancer Causing Virus from my EX. As added confirmation of this, I just heard that the woman he hooked up with immediately after me has Cervical Cancer also.
Coincidence? I DOUBT it! How much damage and pain does this S.O.B. get to cause before he has to pay for it? Don't get me wrong, I may not like his girlfriend, but I certainly don't wish a disease like that on anyone.
The sad thing is, I told her that I contracted HPV from him, when he was playing both of us! How ignorant can one woman be?? She lost her business, almost lost her children, HE totaled her vehicle and SHE obtained injuries, lost her home, now she risks losing her life because of him??
I am so glad I got away from him when I did! I may have suffered a broken heart for a very long time, but atleast I still have my dignity and my life!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Life goes on...
My life is moving on and I'm finding peace with my past.
My joy is returning as I keep making positive changes in my life.
My family ties are being rebuilt, my friendships are strong, I'm exploring new opportunities for financial independence, and my health is returning.
Although I have put off having an intimate relationship with anyone for over a year and a half while my heart healed, I think it's been good for me.
I think I may be able to forgive Shaun for what he did to me, because I can forgive myself for allowing it to happen.
All the anguish that I suffered through in my previous posts, are so much more manageable. Reading through them now, seems as though they happened to someone else. I guess time does heal.
My heart is slowly waking up, and preparing itself for the perfect man.
Get ready for happier posts!
My joy is returning as I keep making positive changes in my life.
My family ties are being rebuilt, my friendships are strong, I'm exploring new opportunities for financial independence, and my health is returning.
Although I have put off having an intimate relationship with anyone for over a year and a half while my heart healed, I think it's been good for me.
I think I may be able to forgive Shaun for what he did to me, because I can forgive myself for allowing it to happen.
All the anguish that I suffered through in my previous posts, are so much more manageable. Reading through them now, seems as though they happened to someone else. I guess time does heal.
My heart is slowly waking up, and preparing itself for the perfect man.
Get ready for happier posts!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Karma
After a year and a half, you'd think I'd be well over Shaun. Most days I don't give him a second thought... Other days are just plain hard. I have been getting out more and trying to have fun again.
Just when I think I've made progress, something knocks me back. For example, This past week, I get invited to see a friends band, but they are opening for Shaun's band. I go to work, and who do I run into? Shaun's drummer. Another day, I'm hanging out with one of my "bestie's" and she repeats something one of her co-workers said, pertaining to him.... Why does it feel like I'm not supposed to get over him???
I don't know if what Angela told me was true or not, given that she was told by Shaun's friend's wife... but it sure seems like Karma may be working on him too. The rumor is he is trying to break up with Norma, because he still has feelings for me, but he's afraid because she's nuts and will make his life hell... Really??? Now isn't that a "slap in the face" He made my life hell, by not giving me closure, and leaving me to deal with MAJOR issues.... Not once did his heart break, or did he think twice about leaving me. Maybe I should have been a basket case too.... Serves him right! That's what he gets for leaving a woman with class!
Now, that's the logical side of me... The kind of attitude I should have right?? Wrong..... I have cried on and off for a week after hearing this. How can he still do this to me??? If he still loved me, shouldn't he have been a man, and stepped up??? He hasn't made any attempt to contact me himself. I will not be the one to "pursue" him. He used that against me when we broke up. Trying to destroy any chance I had at having a safe place to go. I honestly believe somewhere deep in my heart that he does still love me, it's just not enough... I lived in a wonderland when we were together, thinking our relationship was "fate" or some kind of fairy tale....
I may still love him deeply, but it doesn't mean I have my head in the clouds. Besides, he's not "my Shaun" anymore.... He's become someone I don't even recognize...
Just when I think I've made progress, something knocks me back. For example, This past week, I get invited to see a friends band, but they are opening for Shaun's band. I go to work, and who do I run into? Shaun's drummer. Another day, I'm hanging out with one of my "bestie's" and she repeats something one of her co-workers said, pertaining to him.... Why does it feel like I'm not supposed to get over him???
I don't know if what Angela told me was true or not, given that she was told by Shaun's friend's wife... but it sure seems like Karma may be working on him too. The rumor is he is trying to break up with Norma, because he still has feelings for me, but he's afraid because she's nuts and will make his life hell... Really??? Now isn't that a "slap in the face" He made my life hell, by not giving me closure, and leaving me to deal with MAJOR issues.... Not once did his heart break, or did he think twice about leaving me. Maybe I should have been a basket case too.... Serves him right! That's what he gets for leaving a woman with class!
Now, that's the logical side of me... The kind of attitude I should have right?? Wrong..... I have cried on and off for a week after hearing this. How can he still do this to me??? If he still loved me, shouldn't he have been a man, and stepped up??? He hasn't made any attempt to contact me himself. I will not be the one to "pursue" him. He used that against me when we broke up. Trying to destroy any chance I had at having a safe place to go. I honestly believe somewhere deep in my heart that he does still love me, it's just not enough... I lived in a wonderland when we were together, thinking our relationship was "fate" or some kind of fairy tale....
I may still love him deeply, but it doesn't mean I have my head in the clouds. Besides, he's not "my Shaun" anymore.... He's become someone I don't even recognize...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Love's been rough on Me
Wow... Etta, I'm there!
I can't believe I still Love him, after all this time... When does it end???
I can't believe I still Love him, after all this time... When does it end???
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Everybody Hurts Sometimes...
This is for the Broken - Hearted...
I know how you feel...
Empty, betrayed,totally void of all happiness. You don't want to laugh, because it won't help anyway, but you don't want to cry because it just makes you feel worse. You feel like your heart is just falling apart, and soon you feel as though your life is falling apart too.
You think it will never end, and no matter what he has done to you, it seems impossible to stop loving him.
Everyone wonders how you can still love him so much, after all the hurt he caused you. Your mind is just as confused by this, you don't know why... you just do.
The one person with the power to make you happier than you have ever been, can also create the worst heartache you could ever imagine...
For me, it was you, Shaun. You were the Best and the Worst for me.
A few weeks go by, and you begin to feel a false sense of relief, as though you are finding happiness again. When really, all you're doing is finding substitutes that don't measure up. Deep inside, you realize you're going into denial.
I tell myself everyday, "I don't Love You, I don't Miss You" ...
Maybe someday, my heart will believe my mind...
After a few weeks, you realize.... your eyes still fill with tears, and your soul is still empty...
You hoped you were over him, when all you did was to stop showing it...
When you love that deeply, and get hurt... the wound might eventually heal, but the scar never goes away.
No one really understands how deeply you hurt, and for how long you carry it around with you.
Months down the road, the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and you suddenly break down again, the tears start to flow, and you just don't care... You've spent so many familiar nights, lying awake haunted by the pain.
In the midst of it all, you know it's not helping. It's not going to bring him back, even if you truly had him in the first place.
You hear yourself say, " I don't know why I hang on to something, I know I am better off letting go of." It's as though I'm afraid of losing, what I didn't truly have in the first place.
You'll see him, and feel all the emotion overwhelm you, Your heart will jump, Your mind screams out his name, You want him to love you again. But, for some reason he doesn't see it, he doesn't hear you. Just when you think you are moving on, you remember all the reasons you hung on for so long.
It hurts to see someone you love, ignore you, or say he doesn't want you, or that he doesn't love you. It hurts even more, knowing he really did, yet he still walked away. His pride was bigger than his Love for you. How could one person have done this to you? How could you love someone so much, yet hate him for breaking your heart?
With a clenched throat, and burning eyes, you try to hold back once again. Everyone says, "you'll be Ok". The truth is, you will.... but not for a long time.
It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when your heart still does. You'd like to believe that if you can't get someone out of your mind, they are meant to be there...
After awhile, the last tear finally falls, you pull yourself together and keep pushing on. There will always be the name I can't bear to hear spoken.
It is hard for me to live without you. I often wonder, is it hard for you to be without me too?
The pain does pass... in time....
The hardest thing about following your heart, is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be.
Places that are as scary, as they are exciting. As dangerous as they are alluring. Your heart doesn't always take you to places that lead to happy endings.
That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave all that is normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back.
I know how you feel...
Empty, betrayed,totally void of all happiness. You don't want to laugh, because it won't help anyway, but you don't want to cry because it just makes you feel worse. You feel like your heart is just falling apart, and soon you feel as though your life is falling apart too.
You think it will never end, and no matter what he has done to you, it seems impossible to stop loving him.
Everyone wonders how you can still love him so much, after all the hurt he caused you. Your mind is just as confused by this, you don't know why... you just do.
The one person with the power to make you happier than you have ever been, can also create the worst heartache you could ever imagine...
For me, it was you, Shaun. You were the Best and the Worst for me.
A few weeks go by, and you begin to feel a false sense of relief, as though you are finding happiness again. When really, all you're doing is finding substitutes that don't measure up. Deep inside, you realize you're going into denial.
I tell myself everyday, "I don't Love You, I don't Miss You" ...
Maybe someday, my heart will believe my mind...
After a few weeks, you realize.... your eyes still fill with tears, and your soul is still empty...
You hoped you were over him, when all you did was to stop showing it...
When you love that deeply, and get hurt... the wound might eventually heal, but the scar never goes away.
No one really understands how deeply you hurt, and for how long you carry it around with you.
Months down the road, the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and you suddenly break down again, the tears start to flow, and you just don't care... You've spent so many familiar nights, lying awake haunted by the pain.
In the midst of it all, you know it's not helping. It's not going to bring him back, even if you truly had him in the first place.
You hear yourself say, " I don't know why I hang on to something, I know I am better off letting go of." It's as though I'm afraid of losing, what I didn't truly have in the first place.
You'll see him, and feel all the emotion overwhelm you, Your heart will jump, Your mind screams out his name, You want him to love you again. But, for some reason he doesn't see it, he doesn't hear you. Just when you think you are moving on, you remember all the reasons you hung on for so long.
It hurts to see someone you love, ignore you, or say he doesn't want you, or that he doesn't love you. It hurts even more, knowing he really did, yet he still walked away. His pride was bigger than his Love for you. How could one person have done this to you? How could you love someone so much, yet hate him for breaking your heart?
With a clenched throat, and burning eyes, you try to hold back once again. Everyone says, "you'll be Ok". The truth is, you will.... but not for a long time.
It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when your heart still does. You'd like to believe that if you can't get someone out of your mind, they are meant to be there...
After awhile, the last tear finally falls, you pull yourself together and keep pushing on. There will always be the name I can't bear to hear spoken.
It is hard for me to live without you. I often wonder, is it hard for you to be without me too?
The pain does pass... in time....
The hardest thing about following your heart, is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be.
Places that are as scary, as they are exciting. As dangerous as they are alluring. Your heart doesn't always take you to places that lead to happy endings.
That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave all that is normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A Fading Scar...
It's been a little over a year, and it seems I may be getting some feeling back in my heart. I haven't cried over him for just about 2 months now. Thank God I haven't seen him since the Summer... that really helped. I am still apprehensive about letting another man get anywhere near my heart though. Mostly I spend my time focusing on getting my health back, spending precious time with my little angels, and learning how to do all the things he didn't want me to do back then.
I have been able to look at our history together, only to realize how much he took advantage of me. I think I am able to see things from everyone Else's perspective now, and it really amazes me to see that he really wasn't all that great of a man.
Will I ever be able to find a man who can HONESTLY be everything I need? I don't know for certain. But I am no longer afraid...
I have been able to look at our history together, only to realize how much he took advantage of me. I think I am able to see things from everyone Else's perspective now, and it really amazes me to see that he really wasn't all that great of a man.
Will I ever be able to find a man who can HONESTLY be everything I need? I don't know for certain. But I am no longer afraid...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Broken Promises...
I can no longer look at this day with the excitement of the Love it is meant to represent. I'm sure the "Love Bandits" are torn and tattered and have been put out with the trash. Why not, you did the same with my heart. I hate how you handled my heart so carelessly to make yours feel better. You never believed me when I told you how much I loved you. It appeared that I should have questioned your love for me. Shaun, the "circle of love" you gave to me meant the world to me, until a year ago when you gave up on us. You broke that Promise you made to me.That circle, now sits in a box with all the cards, pictures, and emails... my most cherished memories of our life.
I know you are no longer the same man I fell so deeply in love with. It's as though you "snapped" into some stranger. Maybe you always were that man and only pretended to be a better man when you were with me. Maybe you need to act the way you do now, so you don't feel the hurt. You have "morphed" into a complete stranger. If a part of the man I loved is in there, I just really miss you....
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